tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
