$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Watching her eat just hurts me
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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