How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
