Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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