Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
