she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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