My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
