i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
