what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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