She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
