I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize