I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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