Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
