thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize