Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
