if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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