I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize