I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
