he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
