i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
i want to swaddle you in tequila
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
This baby is an asshole
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
