My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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