I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
