May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
