And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Randomize
