Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Woke up backwards on a recliner
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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