I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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