This is not my ceiling
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
