my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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