I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize