god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
