12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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