Already got asked if we're dating
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize