you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
