Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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