it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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