I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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