I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Randomize
