Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
