My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
