One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
