Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
