The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
