I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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