Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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