Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Why is your signature on my underwear?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
50% drunk capacity currently
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
