Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
My balls are so social today.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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