I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize