Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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