if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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