Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
