Girls should come with a carfax report
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
