She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
