I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
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