Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
