Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize