this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
