my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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