I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
